may52's Blog

I hooked my dog to her lead after rubbing her white furry face. Then I walked on the porch to start my Tai Chi practice. She whined a bit wanting to come with me but settled down after she saw I was staying close. I centered myself and took in a few deep breaths of the sweetest air we've had in days. A few clouds still hung around from all the rain but the sun was peaking in and out. Eyes still opened I gazed at the mountain. I relaxed my gaze and saw its aura like glow above its trees. I felt the need to bow to the mountain and did so giving it thanks for all the time it has supported my ancestors here.

Then I began practice. Right tiger paw, left tiger paw. Right tea cup and then left. Thoughts of my teacher saying chin and forehead kept running through my mind. So I continued the same move with a knee brush until I felt I had it right. Then I took each move over and over until I felt it was a good practice. I rolled about some on my yoga ball to loosen my tight back. As I lay there looking at the drive way upside down, I saw a truck through the brush on the road. As it turned the corner into my drive I noticed it was my son and his family. He rolled down the window and yelled " Don't fall Mama!". Which of course made me laugh and lose my balance.

I stood up and ran down the stairs to see my grand daughters. All dressed in yellow dresses with little ducks on front. I can never decide which one to go to first so I just grabbed the first one my son got out of the seat. Then when we came inside and I put them both on my knees in the floor. We played and laughed and they showed me their new walking skills. I couldn't't be a prouder grand mom.

As my Daughter-in-law and I chatted I noticed my son was looking out the window. At that moment the sun was shining nicely and I knew what he was thinking. When he comes, he and I always go off into the forest alone for a while. We walk the hillsides, use the metal detector and lately he has been teaching me to kayak. His wife is all for it and doesn't mind at all. She says it helps his stress level and I do agree that's true. He turned and looked me deep in the eyes and said " So mama, how cold do you think that wind is on the creek?" I smiled and said " Not to bad son, its nice today. Why, do you want to take me fishing?" He looked down the hall at the Kayak hanging there and said," No I want to teach you to kayak the swifter water on the creek."

So off we all went. Kayak on top of the Jeep with me holding the paddle outside the window because we took the babies too. We parked the Jeep so that the babies could see the water and their mother sat with them. I stood there while he ran the creek to check for new fallen branches. Then he started back to shore just before the swifter water. I grabbed hold of his paddle and pulled him in. Then it was my turn. He held the kayak steady while I jumped in. Then gave me a huge push into the still water.

I paddled down slowly thinking of all the family stories about this place. How since the Civil War our family has held on to it and lived off of its abundance. Just then the sun came out from behind a cloud and the water began to sparkle. Like tiny prisms on glass. I pulled down my sunglasses just in time to see the old cave that comes out of the mountainside just above the water. The cave that is still a mystery. Its not very deep and it has two entrances. I remember it as a child but the path to it is grown up now. I thought to myself how cleaning a new path to it is next on my list. Its also not a bad place to metal detect either. If I can ever get to it again.

Then I sat still a while and tried to connect to the beauty. I glanced back at the shore and could see my son and my daughter in law hugging. It was such a sweet feeling. I relaxed and set my gaze on the leaves flowing in the breeze. And for that moment time stopped. I felt a deep pull on my senses and felt as if the very spirit of the land had come down from the mountain and touched me. I took in a deep breath, opened my eyes and smiled. Then I quietly said, Thank you" even though I didn't really know who or what I was saying it too.

I spinned around and started paddling back toward the shore. As I got closer my son was yelling, " faster mom faster". I was expecting him to catch me but instead he laughed at let me pass into the swifter water. He ran along the side of the creek yelling through the brush to me. Things like " O.k. Mama right past the fallen pine you need to get on the right side to avoid the rock wall." ROCK WALL???? I yelled back. while hearing he laugh and say " You can do it. Go with the flow." And finally he appeared from behind some trees and brush to the water. He instructed me how to get to shore and while it was hard,,,, I DID IT !!!!

What a great day!!!! What a memory.

The curve of the neck, the sway of the hips.
We are female, and we are beautiful.
The toss of the hair, the aura of warmth.
We are female, and our love is forever.
The eyes of knowledge, the secrets we hold.
We are female, and we come from the divine.
The smile of confidence, the walk of faith.
We are female, and we sense others light.
The tears shed for children, the softness of heart.
We are female, and we possess unconditional love.
The hurt we go through, the pain we endure.
We are female, and we are strong warriors.
The things we give, the way we touch souls.
We are female, and we care for others.
The round mother belly, the fullness of breast.
We are female and we give life.
The touch of our hand, the shivers of peace.
We are female, and we are sacred.

Hard times can bring us to our knees. Can rip through us like glass blowing in the wind. Can up-root and split families. Can destroy friendships, and even make us aware of something we may often miss. Something that lies inside. A great little thing called "The survival instinct". Something that can kicks in at just the right moment. Perhaps in the form of a turning point. A point where reality begins to change and we point ourselves in another direction. Away from the bad effects of tragedy. Something says in a loud voice from within us,,,,
"No more"!!!!!!!! And we are turned to more positive thoughts. Sometimes even in a flash.


I suppose it could happen more slowly than all that. Yet,I find myself wondering if that even stands as a logical point in the matter.I think the more important question is if we always notice these turning points. If they are seen as a choice. If we notice we have a choice in these times. If that survival instinct is always reachable. I guess it depends on the view at the time. Or the amount of clouds that exist to hide it. The point is,,, it exist. But what is it. Is it truly just something that exist in us? Or is it something more universal? Or even spiritual? I think it doesn't matter how you see it. I'm just am glad I do.


Me??? I do see it as spiritual, yet still as something I possess within. Maybe at least the ability to welcome it when it appears. For whatever reason. Whether I sought it out or it found me, I have no earthly idea. A last minute rescue sometimes, is how I like to think of it. Just kicking in to allow us to rise from ashes thought to be unbearable. Showing us, life does go on. Within us and all around us too.

Anna leaned against the railed porch while looking out over the valley, waiting for morning. Coffee in hand dark and sweet. Just the way she liked it. The sun was just coming up over the mountain and she was glad she woke up early enough to watch it. She knew the higher it gets, the more the light spreads across the valley. Bringing with it tiny prisms bouncing off of every blade of grass. But it moves quickly so you have to time it perfectly. It was something that she thought every human being should see. Something she would share if she could.

There was something both calming and exciting about. The way it mesmerizes ones vision, it could capture and hold anyone's attention. She sat in her chair and dragged a flower pot over to prop her feet up. Then she took in a few deep breaths of morning air. She noticed that the small tomato plant next to her had water droplets on its leaves. And knew when the sun hit it that it too would glisten. She took a drink of her coffee and slid her sunglasses down over her eyes. The birds were beginning to sing to welcome the day. She closed her eyes and laid her head back for a moment to listen. Just then the sun began to glow behind the Pines on the mountain and she opened her eyes to focus. She sat back in her chair and got ready to enjoy the light show.

As she watched the sun rise, tiny flickers of light began to dance in the beams. It started at the top of the valley behind her and moved along to the bottom in less than a couple of minutes. The birds sang louder and began to fly about and a brown rabbit went hopping across the field. Then for a few precious seconds the whole valley sparkled with colors and glistening rays. She took another drink of her coffee and laid her head back again. Thinking of all the task she had planned for the day. Then she realized once again how many people didn't get to see the sparkle of the sun meeting the dew that morning. How many would jump a subway, drive a car, hail a taxi or catch a bus, without ever noticing the sparkle of morning. And the fact that some may not really like that kind of thing. She felt blessed and a little bit guilty for enjoying it so much. Her heart felt a nudge making her wish she could share it more. Making her wish everyone could start their day mesmerized.

Written Aug 28th, 2011.

May:
Washer breaks down.
Purchased a used one. I get the washer home, my son hooks it up and the pipes burst. I just crawled in the bed and hid for a couple of hours. It was fixed the next day. I tell God and my son thank you.

Car battery dies.
There goes my birthday money. O.k.- No biggie. A quick trip to buy one and I'm ready to ride.

Wheel on NEW lawnmower deflates.
Take it off, take it to the creepy tire shop where only old men hang out with a toucan bird in a cage, pay 10 bucks for patch, bring it back, drop tire, watch it roll down into the field, retrieve it, put it back on myself.
What a crappy job to have to do.BTW, the tire deflated again a week later. Its at this point I began to think my Irish luck has failed me, that I have made god mad at me or I'm being targeted by aliens. But still not to bad. I thanked God that I had the money. After all things could always get worse,, right? lol . See below.

June:
Car breaks down.
New alternator and a another battery. After which the windshield wipers stopped working.
Well crap. Found that they were unplugged. No problem right? Just plug them in right? haha, But when I do they won't turn off. Problem still not sloved.

Also a week later the windows stopped working.
This stunk. Being a lady of a certain age, I quite enjoy the crisp fresh air circulating through the car. Now my hot flashes will have to deal with stale car air. At this point I began to think off and on that I was cursed. That some dark demon had pointed his little clawed finger at me while screaming an ancient spell to bring on ruin and disaster. Knowing of course, deep down this could not really be the case. But still, ones mind will grasp at anything when an answer as to why this is happening is not available. After thinking about demons, I decided to pray about all the "things" breaking and about my thoughts on demons and of course my sanity.

Then the car radio light stopped working.
Who cares? This was neither upsetting or surprising to me. Why waste my energy fretting over it. I don't even turn it on half the time anyway. But dang,,, yet another broken electrical device.

Coffee pot stopped working.
This one was simple. Replaced in less than an hour. Of course! There is no doing without coffee. PERIOD! So this was just a given. I did thank God I felt like getting out that day to buy a new one.

At this point I stop to ponder everything. I'm laughing through tears. I can't believe so much has broken in such a small amount of time. So I decide to go with the crappy flow of poo I seem to be swimming in. I pray for strength and patience to muddle through and apply reason and strength. Knowing there is rest for the weary at some point. Though the laughter does sound a little sinister, at least I can laugh.

July:
Camera breaks.
Not at all happy about this one. After searching clearance sales for a good deal, I'm forced to wait until I can save a little money. But I need one for my ebay items. So it creates a little extra pressure in an already steaming cook pot that is my head about to blow.

Washer breaks down. AGAIN!
CRAP CRAP CRAP! Why now?, I thought. Replaced with my moms help. She's my angel. I'm exhausted by the time this is replaced. The delivery men were kind of scary and didn't want to take the old one. I knew they were supposed to take it but one of them wanted to charge me extra. So the truth is he was lying and trying to make cash on the sly. I think it was my voice tone and my evil stare that made them give in to my wishes so quickly. I'm sure by then I was a bit scary and not one to try to steal from. JERK!

AT this point I'm feeling a little angry with God. I cry out ,, WHY???? often and do not pray as I should for a few days.

Car breaks down. Smoke comes out of dash and car will not climb hills or move fast enough for basic safety!
(Air regulator.  NOT CHEAP!)

At this point: I'm done. I have had it. I want to run away and live in a tent. And I actually think about doing it too. All I can think is I'm probably about to be without a car for the first time in my life. What would I do living way out here? I could never beg friends for rides. I thought I might be an old woman trapped in the forest with no one even caring if I exist. HAHA, My mind could no longer avoid the drama of it all. I was breaking. Stress level was climbing fast during this. It brought me to my knees again, asking God to forgive my anger and help me. Admitting I was wrong to handle it the way I was. Begging him just to get me through even more problems.

Aug.
Purchased the new camera.
I received it and it stopped working after only 3 days. I was so upset. Yet realizing that getting angry had not help in any of the other situations, I said a little prayer right there with it still in my hands. "Dear God, please don't let this be another problem." So, after talking to every non-American tech person Dell employs, they say they will replace it. This problem being fixed so fast was a pleasure and helped me calm down a little.)

But then,,,,

My brand new lawn mower breaks down.
The worst or the worst. WTH!!! It appears to be a seal in the engine. Grinding halt when I tried to start it with oil dripping. Thank goodness its under warranty and they are coming to get it and deliver it fixed. To bad the grass is as high as my backside and the snakes and bugs are crawling out here in the woods. And I think I have bunny's living under my house.

__________
And this is the point I decided that perhaps God is testing my faith. Or rather building some strength that will make my faith grow. Would God really do these things to me? Really? I'm not sure, its just something I've heard of at some point in childhood. How God will allow us to be tested to bring us closer to him. I never really wanted to believe it but if it makes us better people I can understand. So I went to him. I prayed that he would help me guide me through all of this.

Then as I sit here tonight, I realize he already has guided me through it. He was there to hear every bad word, to see my pitching of hissy fits, to see the tools that have been thrown, to see the tears, frustrations and anger at the perceived unfairness and to see me drop to my knees in the end.

Looking back it all got replaced, fix or will be soon. The camera will be replaced in a few days and they are picking up the lawnmower Thursday. In the mist of the storm I felt like God had left me because problems kept happening over and over. But he was there all along making ways for me to get things fixed. And in the process I learned that if I really needed to, there are many many "things" I could live without. At least long enough to talk to God and thank him for the "things" in the first place.

Sometimes our "things" don't just get in the way of our relationships and our finances. Sometimes they get in the way of our connection with God. With every small disaster I've faced over the last four months, I've eventually ended up on my knees in prayer. I've decided it doesn't really matter if God was testing my faith, if it was all just coincidence, if I'm void of the so-called Irish luck, or if I was cursed by a claw fingered demon. The important thing is, God was there all along helping me through it. And I was brought to my knees to strengthen our connection.

Test of faith? Maybe. Maybe not. But did my faith grow? You bet it did!

Abuse in its different manifestations is the most destructive tool that can be used by anyone against another person. It is designed to distort a person’s view of reality and of God, thus keeping that person from having a fruitful life. When there is abuse going on in a relationship, it’s time to separate. It doesn’t matter how holy or good the person seems who is doing the violating.

There are different types of abuse and they are all designed for one thing and one thing only, DESTRUCTION! They come from evil and produce evil. They are not of God in any way but rather a part of this sinful world. Everyone, no matter there beliefs is entitled to be safe from abuse.

God has provided a right to an “expectation” of personal peace when we marry.
1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Nowhere in scripture do we find God sanctioning any form of spousal abuse.
In Colossians 3:18-19 men are instructed to pattern their love for their wives after Jesus' love for His church. This is described as a sacrificial kind of love; the kind of love that seeks the very best for the one who is loved. Emotional and physical forms of abuse are diametrically opposed to the concept of sacrifice; such behaviors are selfish and self-seeking.

1 Corinthians 13 teaches what genuine love is all about and has much to say about what love is not. According to this passage, love is not self-seeking, is not easily stirred up, and does not behave hatefully. Clearly, abuse is not a demonstration of genuine love.

Misinterpretation of Ephesians 5:22 has led some to believe that the role of submission permits abuse of power and/or mistreatment of a spouse. The true meaning of this passage is a demonstration of a husband's role as initiator of unconditional love, which results in the wife's role as responder, willingly placing herself under his headship. Submission is not something to be taken, but rather something to be given.

That being said,
I find it strange how so many churches shun people who divorce because of abuse. It happened to me. I went through a horrible marriage of abuse both mental and physical. I was hit with the same force a boxer would use, told I was nothing, told I was ugly and used as a slave. The truth is, before I met him I was a young pretty girl raised to love God, I had a good singing voice I wanted to use for God and I was far from stupid. He took all of that away temporally. When I left it was much easier than I thought it would be because he had threatened both me and my family in order to keep me mentally trapped. I thought we would be in danger because he had manipulated my mind with his fist.

I believe the Lord spoke to his hardened heart long enough for me to get out of the situation. Or in my husband selfishness he just finally realized I would never be a wife who would just give in to a life of domination. And perhaps he didn't want to make the effort to turn me into something I could never be. Even through the abuse I was diligently against being changed into such a pitiful weak person. I guess he saw that no amount of beating would make me submit to his evil wishes. I was raised to be strong and I wasn't the ideal victim for him, so he moved on and let me escape his evil grasp. Either way I got away but was still deeply scared for life.

When I was married I missed the church that I was raised in. Even though I sang in choir, and I had friends, I was not allowed to go back once I married. (My husband was also very jealous which I find ironic since he was so full of himself.) So when I was free of this demon I married while under the belief he was a good man, I returned to my old church. I was so happy to be going back and was expecting the same feeling I had felt before. What I was met with was more abuse in a softer tone. A tone that was like having a scarlet letter sewn onto my church dress. I still don't understand their thinking that a divorced woman is a lose woman. I mean if you think about it, a divorced woman is getting away from a man, not making a pact with the devil to sleep with the town. I was accused of so many things I never did. But that's for another blog.

Now let me make this clear, at no point was I expecting to be coddled and nursed by the church. I was way to strong a girl for that anyway. I feel I often give off that vibe and quite frankly I've never understood it. One thing I don't need is to be petted. I never ask to be, I never acted as if I deserved extra attention, yet I was accused of such often. I was far from spoiled as a child too. I was loved and well taken care of but like most kids at one point I had a rebellious nature. I always felt my parents were disappointed in me because quite frankly, they made it clear that they were at every turn. I just wanted to have some freedom in the way I thought and felt and in who God intended me to be. I took every criticism to heart and it hurt me deeply. Even from a very young age I remember being forced to adapt even to simple things. If I wanted to take a dance class I was made to take piano. If I wanted to go somewhere for me we went somewhere for my brother. If I liked the color red they wanted me to like the color blue. Don't get me wrong, I know their intentions were to mold me but it felt more like they wanted to stifle me from thinking for myself. This made me withdraw a lot as a child because I felt I could never measure up being "just me". And someone that becomes withdrawn doesn't seek or want attention. So I'll never understand people accusing me of seeking attention. Quite frankly, I don't want anyone's pity. So rest assured no one has to give me any special treatment other than respect.

But anyway, good grief they didn't know what I had been through. Telling that church what happened to me was almost impossible to do because I knew there would be lies, judgement and possibly scorn. So I didn't tell anyone at first. Except family of course. Although I'm sure there were rumors as a few I ran into during my marriage had seen the bruises. As well as my family. However it was still important to me that the church understood my reason for divorcing. After all, it is frowned upon while not really being against this particular churches doctrine. Abuse was one of the reasons to leave a marriage that according to them was " o.k." with God. Isn't it funny how church members think they know what God feels about others. I didn't walk in telling everyone about it so they just made things up. If you don't grease the gossip wheel with your nitty gritty details some create their own grease. They made speculations and yes even accusations that were so hurtful I still feel the damage from it.

I feel the need to say that the older people in this church were nice and did a lot to make me feel welcomed back. It was the people my own age that were horrible. Much like a few of my family members were too. No one in that age group seemed to care why I divorced. They just judged me without knowing any details. And when I joined choir again, my once best friend showed scorn when I received a solo she wanted. She then got the ball rolling with gossip about me just as my scars from my heartbreak were beginning to heal. After that it was clear she nor her friends would ever allow me back into the group. Now she lives in a sad existence and I realize now it wasn't me she was mad at. Shes just a hateful person. I find no pleasure in that though because I want whats best for others. Unlike she did.

So I quit going to that church all together. Which was not what I wanted but it was what they wanted. I wasn't mad at God, he didn't do it, they did. And to be completely honest,through this, I did learned how not to treat people. Through their scorn I learned how to treat people in a good way no matter who they are. Now each time I meet a woman in the position I was in, I open my heart wide for her and her needs. I often think my experience was meant to teach and prepare me to know how to help women that have been through this. And the part that verifies that to me is that I do meet many women like me and I believe God brings us together.

My family certainly hasn't accepted my reasons for quitting church as they seem to think its something other than the facts I have stated. Which is no better than calling me a liar. I often feel they blame me but I can't make them see the truth after all these years so I guess it is futile. They were there for me though and helped me in many other ways. I just always felt like they thought bad of me because of it. If they could only see that I just can't take the pain of it all anymore.

The real reasons for my absence at church they don't want to accept is, it is the way I am treated when I go. PERIOD! It's not God. I love the Lord. It's the peoples actions that called them shelves my Christian friends. Why would anyone want to go to a place in which they are meant to worship God and fellowship, only be met with criticisms about something that was not their fault. I'm not willing to allow them to blame the victim. So I worship God from my home. So what? I now answer to God and not the church. I don't hate that group from my old church either as many may believe.They hated me. Big difference huh? I feel sorry for them really. They have missed the whole "judge not lest ye be judged " thing.So I'm left to DISCERN these things about them.

Over the years, being a divorced woman in a town with few divorces and eight churches in a 2 mile radius, there have been viscous rumors spread about me and others who are divorced. Not only that but my kids suffered too. Yet all of the guilt for this was piled on my head. I've been accused of being a town whore even though I've been celibate for years and was never a lose woman. I've been through so much because of what my husband did. Yet I was made to carry the blame by my church friends. It really affected me and because I was shunned for my husbands sins, mine and my children's life has suffered greatly.

My life has been a roller coaster for years. Some mistakes by my own hand of course, but many others by the hands of people who said they loved me. I've searched for acceptance in the wrong places as well as the right places never finding it in human kind. But I always found it in Christ. Do I blame the church? Hummm, that's a tough one because there is plenty of blame to go around in this situation and I'm not innocent in life either. I strayed from Gods flock, I've done things I'm not proud of and I'm a sinner just as they are. I've made mistakes in my life that God has forgiven me for. But they didn't and don't seem to forgive anything and never will. I never did one hurtful thing to these people though and even today when I go to church they treat me like a leper. I confided this in a family member once only to be told it was my imagination. Please!!!

I have often felt that if I had been accepted back into "the group" with my old church friends, things would have went much differently in my life and my kids life. I was hurt and angry at them not at God. They were not there for me as I had been there for them. All of my young life I thought of that church as my safe place. But when I needed them the most they turned their backs on me. I had never hurt any of them. So what I'm saying here is, for all the hurt, judgements, jealousy and pain they caused me at the most crucial time in my life, my hope is they are forgiven. After God teaches them a lesson that is. After all, sometimes we don't ask forgiveness until God does teach us those lessons. And if we think we are better than others we WILL be shown different. God corrects me when I sin against a bother or sister. So I'm assuming he makes them pay for there sins as he does me. But I never blame the victim and never will. So yeah,, I still have some anger about that but God and I are working on it.

I now pray and worship at home. I live a lonely but decent life and have just begun to recover from my husbands abuse after 25 years. I still have to endure constant judgements and accusations from my friends and family. They are of the thought that one cannot be a true Christian unless they are knocking down the door of the church to get in. Its not that I think they are wrong for loving their churches. Its that they judge me for not going even though my home church rejected me for no good reason. I love Christ and always have. Even when I got tired of so called" religion", I still knew in my heart that Christ is my savoir. He never left me for one second, but I often ask him to protect me from his followers who treat people this way. And for that I am not sorry because he knows what Christians do to each other. Never doubt it.

I would love to find a church that would accept me and start an active church life again. And I'm actively praying about it daily. I know in my heart that God understands where I've been and where I am going. He knows the scorn that was thrown at me and doesn't blame me one bit for not going to church now. Knowing that he understands softens the blow from those that don't. He will lead me somewhere. But for now it is what it is. I refuse to take abuse from a church after what I went through in my marriage. I also refuse to be an outcast for something that was not my fault. So this is where my anger comes from. It is not my imagination as many many people have stories just like mine.

No one is begging for attention or trying to take attention off of someone else. Truth is truth and no amount of twisting it takes the pain go away. And to those of you that are thinking angry thoughts towards me from writing this, stop and think before you accuse me of trashing the church. That's not my intention as I only wish to tell my story the way it was and not the way some wish to make it. Just stop a moment and consider how traumatic it must have been. Put down those defensive swords and take a good hard look at how certain people are treated in your church. Then think of the ones that have left and honestly consider why they did. I'm sick to death of being judged for not attending church when I am so filled with Gods love. They may have shunned me but God never did. No matter how much they seem to wish he would. I'll be in Heaven when I die just like they will. They better get used to the idea too.

May God keep you well and bless you always. I know he does me.